10 years ago, life, as I knew it, changed forever. It was the first time I got sick. Horrible bout of vertigo (lack of balance) that hit me like a ton of bricks. It took me 8 months to get my footing back, literally and figuratively. 8 long months of suffering that thought me one of life's most important lessons. Those you ‘expect’ to be there for you, may not be there for you. This was a hard pill for me to swallow. It was this very year when I slowly starting shedding my 'circle of 100 closest friends'. Those I was inseparable with slowly started disappearing. But others stayed, as clearly there were more lessons to be learned.
"Lack of balance" continued to be the central theme of my life for the next 10 years. Two more bouts of vertigo each one worse than the last. Each one teaching me way more than I was prepared to learn. Each one shedding more of what no longer served me. Years later I learned that this was my 'awakening'.
Going through it, I kept on thinking “I’m just so fed up of…” now I know when you get fed up with bs there are only two choices; either change your environment or change yourself. I did both.
I get asked this question all the time "Do you know why you got sick?" The answer is of course I do. And this is the reality. It wasn't one single thing that happened. It was a million little things. I was going 100 mph in the wrong direction. Surrounded by the wrong people, working at wrong jobs, having no real goals or aspirations, highly misguided and overly determined to chase this ‘feeling of happiness’.
Yet my soul knew all along where it needed to go and it was slowly dying. The sad truth was, not one little thing I was doing was in alignment with who I really was. I was filled with these notions of how life should be and when it wasn't turning out that way for me , I somehow wasn't good enough. Somewhere along the way I went from being this free spirited, confident, strong willed and determined little girl, to scared and fearful adult. Scared to dream and near petrified to even try. I created so many mental blocks in my head that looking back on it now, I just want to do is go back in time and give myself a big hug and tell myself that everything will be okay. The pain and fears I carried around for so many years damn near killed me.
I remember the days when I would drive to a park to take George (my dog) out, and I’d have to stop at least 4 times along the way to compose myself. When my biggest accomplishment of the day was walking from the car to a little bench just a 100 steps away. When my panic attacks were so severe I could hardly get through any activity. When my headaches were so bad, I would count the days in the month I didn’t have one. When I’d sob uncontrollably for hours thinking, is this really my life? How did I get here?
And then when I finally thought I had my clarity, and I started to feel so much better, I get injured at work. Yup, big ass steel shelf falls directly on top of my head. Some people might look at this as ‘bad luck’, but for me it was literally the universe smacking me on the head saying “hey stupid, you just went through years of struggle, did you learn anything? Why are you still pushing in the wrong direction?” It took me another full year of almost unbearable suffering and pain (both physical, mental and emotional) to finally knock me down. I’m a stubborn bull, I can easily push through anything. But, I could not physically move any more. I was in such a bad shape that I had to stop going to work.
Leaving that job was the best thing I ever did for myself, and one of my proudest moment. I finally stopped feeding into the fears that “I need money” and “I need to be surrounded by people” and “I need a purpose” and all the rest of the crap we feed ourselves when we’re just scared to take a leap of faith. So I started to trust the universe. I started to trust, that if I just let go and listen to my gut I’ll be okay. This wasn’t easy, but it was necessary.
Now I laugh at all of this, because I allow my heart to find humour even in most difficult of circumstances. If it wasn't for my struggles, not only would I have not found my life’s purpose, I would have no experiences to draw upon. I would have no wisdom to share. I would have stayed a gullible little girl chasing "happiness" in all the wrong places. So you see, I had to go through it. I was all a part of my journey. This was inevitable for me. And, I’m thankful for all of it.
My journey wasn't easy. Mostly it was me, facing my own demons, peeling back layers of the onion as I healed. But I pushed myself every step of the way, knowing that something better is just around the corner. I was determined to get better, but I was also determined to never revert back to the same old patters. So I created a new me. A healthier me. A more confident me. A more courageous me. A more outspoken me.
And this is what I learned:
1. Those closes to you will hurt you the most, because only those you care about can actually hurt you. Forgive them, and move on.
2. Everything is temporary. Life won't turned out the way you planned, live it anyway. Enjoy every good and every bad moment, because nothing ever stays the same.
3. Set firm boundaries, with everyone in your life. It is not your job to take on other people's baggage. Let them carry their own.
4. Love with all your heart, but know loving someone does not mean possessing them. Love them just as they are, flaws and all.
5. Let go of fear, what's the worst that can happen? You fail? Don't live a life of what could have been. Even if you fail, be proud that you at least tried.
6. You only fail, if you stop trying - so don't stop.
7. Nothing good in life comes easy. Don't be afraid of the struggle, just don't let it define you. Use is as fuel to create yourself.
8. No one ever did anything alone. So create a community of people who contribute daily to your well being and success and you can only go up.
9. Forgive those that wronged you. It's not about forgetting. It's about releasing the negative emotion from you heart. Forgiveness doesn't mean you welcome them back in your life, it just means you no longer live with the burden.
10. Follow your heart and your gut. Trust your intuition. Trust that you know what's best for you. Don't allow fear hold you back. All of the greatest things in life live on the other side of fear.
Today, I stand in front of you, with my two feet firmly planted, deeply grounded and centered, aware of all that I am and that I’m not. I feel great physically, mentally & emotionally. I’m healthy & balanced in all the areas of my life. I’ve released my fears and created space for faith, strength, courage and determination to enter. I’ve released the pain, and created space for love and light to enter. I’ve crawled through, what felt like, hell and manifested my dream life.
I’m absolutely in love with my work and I leave a little piece of my soul in everything I do. I’m surrounded by a group of strong, courageous, loving and grateful people who are contributing daily to my success and well-being. I thank God every day for all the blessings in my life. I lead with a grateful heart and an open mind and know without a doubt that universe has my back. Even when it seems like everything is falling apart, I know that’s only to create space for something better to entering. I disconnected from everyone and everything, only to find myself so deeply connected to everything that truly matters.
So, I send gratitude to all the pain, to all the trauma, to all the suffering, to all the tears and every single second that brought me to this very moment. I truly am eternally grateful.
As I close this chapter of 10 years of karmic clearing and healing, and prepare myself for a new chapter, I cannot miss the opportunity to thank all those that have made a profound impact in my life. I know that I would not be here without you.
To my dad who stood by me every single day, strong like mountain, never for a moment letting me see his pain. Thank you for letting me lean on you, both literally & figuratively. I thank my lucky stars to have been born to you, because you were the only person in this world equipped to have walked this path with me. We started this journey as a father and daughter but you’ve become one of my favourite people in this world and my best friend. Saying thank you to you seems so small, but know that the gratitude I carry in my heart will be felt by many generations to come.
To my mom whose pain cut so deep, she literally got sick from worry. Your love is the most beautiful thing I ever felt or experienced. You’ve thought me the meaning of unconditional love and your warm hug will always be the thing that brings my soul peace. Our sleepovers are my favourite thing in the world, even if George pushes me off the bed lol.
To my brother who so desperately wanted to help me but didn’t know how, you’ve thought me the meaning of generosity and forgiveness. You’ve taken a back seat to all my suffering, and somehow all your problems paled in comparison. But you never complained, you just got through them all, mostly by yourself. Getting George for me might have been the single most selfless thing you’ve ever done and at the time when it was hard to find joy in anything you’ve filled my heart with happiness. You will always hold the biggest piece of my heart.
To the incredible Dr. Ron Harris, you live in my heart and I’m grateful for everything you’ve thought me. Even now, when the days get tough, I remember you gently telling me ‘don’t worry, you’ll be okay’ and I know I will be. Thank you for your infinite wisdom. Meeting you changed my life forever and know that I'm making it all count for something.
To Ann Lewis, thank you for opening your door and heart to me and creating a safe space for me to share all of me. You’ve encouraged my journey every step of the away and you’ve accepted me exactly as I am. You’ve pushed me to see parts of myself I wasn’t always ready to see, and created the space for my healing. Your guidance and friendship are some of things I hold closes to my heart.
To Dr. Louise Basic, thank you. thank you. thank you. You've been an instrumental part of my journey to wellness. You've helped me heal my body back to full health and for that gratitude can't be expressed. I'm able to live a life of prevention not reaction, and I sleep soundly at night knowing I have you in my corner.
To my incredible circle of friends, I am truly blessed to have come across you. Universe brought me the people I asked for and I am honoured to call you my friends and humbled by your love, generosity and kindness. Thank you for being you. I won't list all of you, but you know who you are.
I can't wait to share all the things to come with all of you. I am excited for the future and can't wait to manifest the shit out of 2020. Here's to the next 10 years! I wish you strength, courage and determination where ever you may be in life.
Love & Light,